Dreams and Reality

Matthew was waiting to wake up.

Of course, if anyone saw him right now - sprawled on his bed, wearing his sleepwear and carelessly covered with the coarse, thin linen that served as his bedsheet, eyes wide open and staring blankly at the ceiling - anyone would say he was already awake. And yes, true enough, Matthew was awake in this world; he was waiting to wake up in his world.

It took him years to understand and he didnt blame other people that they thought he was mad. By this world's standards, he probably was. No matter. The times when he strived to prove he was sane were long, long gone; being treated as mentally ill allowed him for much greater freedom anyway.

When he was little, he befriended a boy; a boy who apparently never existed and the more he insisted that Alfred was real, the more stubborn adults got to prove him he wasnt. And then Alfred really did disappear but Matthew thought there was a good explanation for it and that didnt mean he wasnt real, just, he wasnt there - it was all very confusing for a young boy he had been at that time. But hte never stopped claiming Alfred was real and when the adults started to ask him, if he were real, where was he, he got tired of not knowing and replied he was right there, right next to him.

At first it was to spite the grown-ups. He thought his word would be enough. But it wasnt and they kept pestering him and pestering and locking him up and treating him with electroshocks and Matthew no longer really knew what was real or not - if what he believed was real (he believed Alfred was but he wasnt apparently) or what they adults claimed (they said Alfred wasnt real but he was) and then, one day Alfred really was just there and Matthew had an epiphany.

Alfred was real. He just couldnt be seen from people of this world. Because he wasnt from this world. And neither was Matthew.

It explained everything so perfectly - why he was ignored for so long as a child by his peers; why people acted like he didnt exist, passing next to him and not noticing.

His exhausted mentality clung onto that bit of rational explanation and Alfred started to visit him more often. A while later, Matthew visited him in their true, real world - and well, around that time he was sent here. But he didnt care anymore because he had his own true world.

In his world, there were no bars in the windows; there were no locked doors, no cheap, hospital gowns and rough fabric for your bed. No yucky meals. No screaming in the halls, no ignoring him, no treating him as a person possessed when he talked about Alfred or Kuma, no snorting and no patronizing looks. No, in Matthew's real world, he had a nice house and a nice family; he had a bright, colourful room with all the toys he ever wanted (the big stuffed bear toy and the wooden horses) and books. His mama made pancakes for every breakfast and his papa laughed and smoked a pipe as he ruffled his curly hair whenever Matthew saw him.

In his world, Matthew went to school - he didnt remember that, but he knew he went there - and everyone liked him and he was one of the best students ever. He would get a good job, they all said and mama and papa were so proud. He couldnt remember school; he could barely remember the faces of his father and mother, they were blurred and unclear, just general people but when he was there, he knew who they were.

There were a lot of peers his age and everyone liked him and he had many friends too. He couldnt remember them; but he definitely had friends. He knew he had. He just couldnt remember their names or their looks but he would recognize them the moment he'd be home again. And it's not like it mattered. He always, always remembered Alfred.

Alfred... he was his neighbor and they were best friends and a lot of other kids liked Alfred but he only liked Matthew. They were often together; at home and Alfred even came here for Mattie. They used to play together as kids; but now they grew up and well, they discovered they liked boys and one day Alfred's hand just wandered a bit lower and under his clothes and... one thing led to another. Since that time, it would happen often; Matthew would close his eyes and Al's hands would be all over his body, arousing, hot, pleasurable, full of desire, knowing just how and where to touch. He'd feel the hot breath on his neck, heard his voice - 'Mattie, Mattie, Mat, Mattie' - in his ear and theyd become one. And then Matthew's hand would be all sticky and his nightwear too but it was fine. No one believed Alfred was real so no one could accuse him of doing something wrong.

Besides, Matthew didnt care about this world anymore. This wasnt his world. He was just waiting to go to sleep and never wake up here; instead, he wanted to wake up in his proper world and never leave it.

But this morning, before Alfred could come, there was a knock on the door and Matthew slowly turned his gaze towards it. "It's for you." Kuma said and Mattie sat up with a small smile. Alfred didn't come today in time; they would have to make up for it after the doctor or the nurse leaves. "I know." he said. "I'm just not used to knocking."

"You should say 'come in.'" Kuma added and Matthew nodded. "Come in." he called, there was the sound of lock being opened and the door and his eyes widened when he saw the person who entered before he started to laugh. "Oh... Oh Dieu." he chuckled, shoulders shaking. "You got me; you totally got me this time. I swear... I would never... Come on, Al; a doctor? Really? Out of everything, you chose a doctor? Well..." He smirked as he got up, moves slow and slightly sensuous as he walked towards the other man and wrapped his arms around his neck. "You even wore a coat and glasses... That's one weird kink you have, eh." His eyes fluttered, half-open now as he gazed at the man who looked comically surprised; wide0eyes, vivid blush, sputtering... Alfred actually thought Matthew wouldnt recognize him like this? Sure he wore glasses and his hair was a bit more orderly... and the lab coat... but come on, it was still Al. Blue eyes, cowlick, blonde hair and all. "You know, your face looks really stupid right now... you honestly thought Id fall for that? Gimmie some credit..." he chuckled as he trailed a finger down Al's chest. Alfred was trying to say something all this time but Matthew wouldnt allow him, pressing closer when he tried to pull away and interrupting. "But with some convincing maybe I could indulge this weird kink of yours..."

Matthew chuckled, shaking his head a bit; oh, Al was just incredible, acting like a proper doctor, down to the whole nervous expression and an actual file (filled with some stupid pages no doubt; or even blank ones). Now, any moment now Al will break, grab him and throw onto the bed in passion before crawling on top, hands pinning him dow and his mouth, Dieu that mouth, kissing Matthew breathless until their bodies would burn with white, searing hot flames of pleasure and passion; until their hands would tear off the clothes, eager to feel skin against skin, hair would get tangled and messy as they would grind and press on that mattress before finally succumbing to their instinct, bodies dancing together the ancient dance of lust, moving in perfect harmony to the point of exhaustion. The whole room would melt, morph into warm walls and soft carpets, into bright windows coming out on a green garden, rays of sunshine flowing in gently; empty walls covered with bookshelves and silly little trinkets. And Matthew would open his eyes, sweaty, tired, satisied and overflowing with love as he'd look into Alfred's smiling face. And he would be home.

But Al was pushing him away instead and towards the bed, true, but instead of sprawling him on it, Matthew was quite firmly seated and Al sat nearby, opening the file in a very professional way. "You really want to play it all out, like this?" he asked incredulously, his legs opening slightly under the hospital nightgown, making the fabric ride up just a hint; and he got no reaction since Al was staring into his file as if he was actually reading it.

Something was wrong. Alfred always embraced him first thing when they met; he held him close and kissed him and whispered sweet, sweet nothings into his ear and... and this was wrong. "Youre not my Alfred." He huffed finally, crossing his arms. "My Al... he'd never do this to me. Even if he'd joke, he would always hold me real quick. He would never, ever push me away; and my Al is so much better looking." He kept saying, narrowed eyes glaring at the impostor who looked really taken aback. "Yea, hes a lot better looking. His hair is softer. And longer, just a bit. He doesnt wear dorky glasses; and he doesnt have freckles. And he's not so broad; he's thinner, like me. And he smiles... he smiles brighter than the sun. Is this one of some new treatments?" Agitated, he got up from the bed and paced, his eyes carefully guarded as he regarded the man sitting in his room. Oh, he had an idea what was that.

"You made yourself look like my Al just to hear me talk about our private life for your sick satisfaction, right?" He said, self-satisfied he managed to see-through that attempt. "Yea, I know what you all think. You think loving another man like this is only a proof I'm insane, right? Well, lemme tell you something, doctor, I dont care. If this is being insane, Im fine with it. I love my Alfie. I love him not like a brother; not like a family, not like a friend; I love him like all of you love your women. I want to lay with him, every day."

"You shouldnt say such things." Kuma suddenly said, obviously alarmed and Matthew whirled on him. "I can say what I want. They already have me locked up here; what more could they do?" he announced. "Besides, its fine. Even if it hurts, Alfie will come and get me. He always does. He always takes me away when something hurts. Back home, he always takes me back home." He smiled fondly at the thought. He wanted to be home now; with Al, in his bed, waking up to see Alfred's sleepy smile first thing in the morning...

Matthew listened to this 'Alfred' person closely; he wasnt dumb, he could see the clear resemblance between this story and his own. Except Alfred made it sound like his Alfie was him and actually real; like this was the world Matthew lived in, belonged to... and Matthew knew this wasnt the case. He might've had doubts in the beginning, when he didn't understand everything, didnt understand what was going on but he knew now that this wasnt his home. He had somewhere else he belonged to and that place was in the arms of his real Alfie, in a happy house with his parents, where he went to school, had friends, where everyone treasured him.

"... Thats a nice story." he finally said. Even if it was obviously based on his own story - Alfred mustve really studied his file - it just meant that this doctor actually took his time and effort to try to get to know him and help him. Poor guy. He also didnt know, couldnt believe Matthew didnt need any of his help. He already had everything he wanted; he had his Alfie who visited him here and when was alone, he could go to his true home and be happy. If he could, he would happily just never wake up in this world again.

But Alfred couldnt know any of this; up till a while ago, Matthew wouldnt know about it either. It took him a while to discover it.

Besides, Matthew was greedy. If others discovered his wonderful world, they might try to wreck it. He wouldnt let them. It was his and his alone.

"And it sounds familiar, in some way." He added and smiled, slightly amused. "Thank you for taking the time to read my story; most doctors dont bother. They wait for me to tell them or theyre not interested." Alfred made a good doctor so far; maybe he could make difference here. Maybe he could help people who really needed it, who werent like Matthew (because he didnt need help. He knew what was real and what wasnt. He had his Alfie).

He made himself comfortable on the bed, watching Alfred now completely relaxed. He was harmless; maybe he was even a good guy, maybe hed help a lot of people who really needed it. Matthew didnt want to be the cause of his discouragement. Even if this wasnt his home, he didnt want to cause unnecessary trouble. "So what now? Are you going to give me some new pills? Try some new kind of therapy?" he asked kindly, not at all bothered by the idea. If Al did that, he could just escape to his world and to Alfie. "Or are you going to tell me more stories? Are you married? Where do you live? Do you have kids?" It wasnt often that he met someone new; everyone in his world was familiar and well-known to him. It was, in a way, interesting to know someone completely new... Even just for a moment.